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| Photo by Lisa I. McCausland Brandon 2011 |
All of sudden my friend’s face changed. Looking perfectly stoic. The sound “Oohnnoo” screamed in my head.
Glancing at me she said in a calm manner, “Lisa, you may be offended with what I am about to say but (there it is I’m not going to like what she has to say) you are pretty, and very sweet AND (emphasis on “and”) you are a strong woman with a strong personality. Men don’t like strong women or strong personalities.”
Double wham: strong women and strong personalities. Gut wrench. Breath.
It is not the first time I’ve been told this. My mother’s words chimed in shortly afterwards “Lisa, you need to learn how to be more 'dependent'.” I make a face. Papa always suggests I learn how to go with the flow. My response is always the same. “I go with flow dad. If everyone else would flow along with me it would be a lot simpler.”
Feeling rather grumpy about this un-invited wake up call I turn to my favorite dumping ground: God.
The conversation went something like this: “Okay God after 5,000, 7,000 or 10,000 years when are you and all your buddies going to get that being strong is not an unattractive feature? After all strong women still feel, hurt, cry, laugh, are vulnerable – hmmm all of this you should in fact fully realize since I have been communicating with you about it - Oh Lord - you weren’t listening were you?"
Long silent pause. With a deep breath I continue.
"Yes God strong women still need men. And, for the record the only reason why women end up strong is because they get knocked on their butts so many times they just learn how to pick themselves up and get on with it. So, stop knocking me down already. Thank you. And, do something about your buddies. AND, why the heck am I feeling guilty for being strong? Hello?"
My hands are placed firmly on my hips.
I imagine God rolling his eyes; turning his head to the right and throwing his hands up and heading off to a man cave for a beer and some woodworking. And, then after some contemplation.... of course it’s just my imagination.
The day I got my driver’s licence I saw him standing at the check out in the local grocery store. “I am going to marry that man.” I said to myself.
It’s a good thing sixteen year olds don’t rule the world.
Flash forward five years later and we are dating. I am gleeful.
Four months later I have no idea where he is.
It was January and I had just gotten a promotion. Life was good. I had great friends, good job, I was seeing the man I intended to marry, and was determined more than ever that I was going to make a very big impact on the world.
Within a week of my new buzz on life my man called to ask if I would move with him to another city. He couldn’t find work where we were living.
My response: “Go and get set up and I will be there.”
His response: “No.”
I wasn’t done with the conversation. He apparently was.
The first week in February three men left my life. My brother, my man, and God.
My brother took his own life.
My man was no where to be found.
And, as for God? Well that is a story all by itself. But let’s just say we have had a difference of opinion.
I would like to say that eventually the dust settled after my brother death but the reality was it didn’t and in the words of Winston Churchill it was just "one damn thing after another.”
If I could say that I was wishing for something. I was. I wished I could take back what I said to my man, I wished I could of healed whatever it was that was troubling my brother, and I wished God hadn’t of spoken. I wished I could have my life back.
I tried to find him. The boyfriend. Eventually, my persistence paid off.
When it started I don't remember. He would call on Sunday afternoons. He wouldn’t say anything. I would do all the talking all the while dreading the sound of the phone clicking when he hung up.
I wanted to know where he was and when would he be back. Normal I would think. I kept hoping that one day I would step outside my house and he would be there waiting to take me away.
Delta Dawn.
Soon enough I had to face reality – this was so not a good situation. It had to end it.
The next time he called I told him I was happy and I didn’t need him anymore. Dusted myself off and got on – sort of - with my life.
Over the last year many of my cherished friends have been grieving the loss of brothers, nephews, sons, friends, and parents.
What my friends are going through I understand and deeply appreciate how much they just want to return to normal. They know in the bottomless pit of their soul nothing will feel normal again. I wince with that knowledge.
I could prattle on about Kubler-Ross’s 5 Stages of Grief or Kushner’s When Bad Things Happen to Good People two books I recommend anyone grieving; however, there is one more stage in the healing process that needs addressing. It is in my opinion the most important piece of the process: abandonment.
Late into the fall of last year my workouts at the gym were not going the way I envisioned.
Deciding to focus on cardio I stepped onto the treadmill one evening I was overwhelmed with a question gripping my gut.
“What are you lying about?”
“Me lying? Doubt it.”
Stuffed it down.
It would barf back up.
“What are you lying about?”
“Nothing. Shut up.”
Silence for about five minutes.
“What are you lying about?”
“NOTHING already. Grrrr”
The internal battle raged on until January when I came down with yet another mysterious virus and was in the throes of a fever and various other interesting body breakdowns when it all came pouring out.
Lucky for me while releasing years of pent up anger and disappointment I had a childhood friend there to patiently coach me through the whole ordeal. My friend insisted I read Gregg Braden’s The Divine Matrix and I stubbornly refused to do it.
If I recall correctly every time she would push a quote would come to mind that Geneen Roth eloquently wrote in her book Women God And Food, Oh great: “This is just AFOG.” (Another F*&&&%^ Growth Opportunity) I don’t want one. I am tired of the self analysis. I want this to go away.
Eventually things got so bad I couldn’t move off the sofa. Hemorrhoids the size of walnut shells will do that. Leaving me and my newly extended body parts with nothing to do except read The Divine Matrix.
In his book Braden talks about Five Ancient Mirrors of Relationships:
Reflections of the Moment - What we judge in ourselves.
Reflections of What We Judge in the Moment - What we judge in life.
Reflections of What We’ve Lost, Given Away, or Had Taken From Us - What we mask and hide for safe keeping.
Reflections of Our Dark Night of the Soul - To experience and heal our great fears.
Reflections of Our Greatest Act of Compassion - Displaying compassion for ourselves.
He also talks about Three Universal Fears:
Separation and Abandonment
Low Self-Worth
Surrender and Truth
To which he summarizes the three with this: The root of our “negative” experiences may be reduced to one of three universal fears (or a combination of them): abandonment, low self-worth, or lack of trust.
And he is right. Guilty as charged. Every word I understood. I lied to my man and kept lie going. I blamed him for walking away ultimately blaming my brother for being the catalyst for the whole breakdown. I told him I was happy - when I was not and that I didn’t need him - when I did. As a matter of fact what I wanted him to do was to drive up in his stupid sports car and take me way. Chances are he would never of done it but at least if I had of said it I would have been honest – with myself.
Choosing to tell a lie over facing the fear of yet again being abandon was huge mistake because eventually it overtook every nook and cranny of my life.
Recognizing the fear of being abandoned was the hardest to learn and it has held me back from living my truth. But as Braden pointed out the Dark Night of the Soul is to experience and heal our great fears and our Greatest Act of Compassion is displaying compassion for ourselves.
Getting back to what my colleague had said to me last week. Something about men not liking strong women.
I don’t know if men do or don’t like women who are strong; with or without strong personalities. Maybe I have not met my match and maybe my match doesn’t exist. Maybe I am not as strong as what everyone thinks that I am. All I know is women and men need each other period.
The experience of being abandoned whether through death, divorce, or relationships normally breaking down. None of us like it because it hurts. And it is suppose to hurt. For as much as we love – when tragedy strikes – we will indeed hurt just as much. That in itself is a good thing. Facing that pain and the fear that goes with it are what makes all of us a little stronger.
Maybe God still has some work to do with humankind or maybe humankind still has some work to do with God. But what I do know is either way we are all still twirling.
ThInQ About It!
And why not... check out Tanya Tucker singing Delta Dawn as posted on Youtube. Afterall alittle sing-a-long is good for the soul.
